Even Then

Hello, readers. I hope you all have been doing well. I feel like it’s time for me to give a life update to any of you who still follow me. If you’ve read my blogs often, you’ve probably heard me mention anxiety and depression. Today I just want to talk a little bit about my continued journey with that and what’s up in life.

So back in March I moved out-of-state, away from my family. I felt like I had been in a particular season of struggle, loneliness, and lack of community for a long, long time, and God was now calling me out of it.

It all really started when I went to the Cross conference back in January of 2019. I started seriously praying about moving. I backed out, in a decision made in fear. But about seven months later, the idea of moving was put on my heart again. I pretty much made up my mind to go. But the time wasn’t quite right yet. So I waited. Another seven, prayer-filled months ensued…filled with days of deep faith, and also days of deep fear and depression. Some days I felt like I could hardly keep my head above the “water”. I kept going back to 1 Peter 5:6-11, which had long been on my heart. I even memorized it. Amidst the struggle, God provided beautifully right where I was at – no outward circumstances changed. But I truly believed that He was calling me out of those circumstances slowly but surely, and into a time of healing where He would more firmly establish His purposes for me.

1 Peter 5:6-11

⁶ Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, ⁷ casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you.

⁸ Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. ⁹ Resist him, steadfast in the faith, knowing that the same sufferings are experienced by your brotherhood in the world. ¹⁰ But may the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle you. ¹¹ To Him be the glory and the dominion forever and ever. Amen.

So, my tentative plan was to move spring 2020. But as spring drew near, my anxiety grew. I desperately needed a new car. I had no job lined up in my place of destination. I wasn’t 100% comfortable about a living situation. And I didn’t want to make this trip alone – I’m a nervous driver. How was I going to do this?? Was I really ready for this? Was I running away? What if my depression overcame me in a new place away from my family and comfort of familiarity?

I even had a woman tell me that she thought I shouldn’t move and God was telling her all these things about my life contradictory to what I was thinking. In that moment, though, as I prayed through fear, I felt a boldness rise up in my spirit. As if God through His Holy Spirit was prompting me: Tell her what God has been telling you. How He’s been confirming this move through prayer, your godly counselors, Scripture, and sermons. Don’t be tossed about by every wind and wave that comes your way. Be steadfast. Don’t doubt the Lord’s work in your life. Don’t doubt what He’s been growing a pleasing faith for in you.

So I did. And I kept praying. And committing this to God. And seeking godly counsel. And I surrendered this into my Father’s hands. “Make it happen, Lord.”

Within a couple weeks of really surrendering, a cousin offered to drive me and haul all my belongings. My living situation was established. And I had peace and hope that God was going to provide all that I needed – including a car and job. (Matthew 6:25-34)

I was officially moving March 17th. It felt good to have a set date.

A day before I was supposed to get on the road, all the covid-19 stuff started really blowing up. That night people were literally whispering about a national lock-down. I had my few minutes of freaking out. But there was no turning back now. Did I believe God has opened up the doors for this? Yes! I was going to do this! No more wavering and weakness. I was taking the leap of faith in obedience and leaving the rest in God’s hands. So be it.

Hebrews 11:6

⁶ But without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him.

So I moved. Shortly thereafter, social distancing and shelter-in-place happened. But God provided so abundantly even through these strange times.

And by the end of March, I had a car! April 6th, I started a job at a grocery store! Wow! It was so stunning to see God do above and beyond what I expected. Demolish my fears. Grow my faith. He is my provider.

An even bigger blessing is the way He has gifted me with incredibly sweet and deep friendships, and kind, wise spiritual mentors. Rich, faith community in a way that I’ve never experienced it before. I got a taste of it at the Cross conference. And now I’m here in the midst of it. I marvel at the group of godly young people the Lord has established here and I nearly weep at the thought of how He in His Fatherly love has settled me among them.

John 15:7-8

7 If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, you will ask what you desire, and it shall be done for you. 8 By this My Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit; so you will be My disciples.

God answers prayers, indeed. I’ve talked often on this blog about how important I believe a tight-knit, sound, loving church and authentic fellowship is. How deeply I long for friends who grow my affection for Christ. How much I need spiritual leadership. I’ve shared how I’ve been petitioning God for such things in my life. So let this be a testimony to you, my dear readers. God answered. I am overwhelmed by what He has poured into my life.

Matthew 7:7-11

⁷ “Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. ⁸ For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened. ⁹ Or what man is there among you who, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? ¹⁰ Or if he asks for a fish, will he give him a serpent? ¹¹ If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him!

I have recently been able to actually meet for church on Sundays and I already feel at home. This small, solid, loving, Christ-exalting church is what I have prayed for. The pastor is such a spiritual leader/mentor for me already. And again, I can only marvel at God’s goodness and faithful hand in my life.

Oh, how He loves His children.

I don’t believe I have ever felt so loved, belonging, sheltered, and cared for. This is faith community. This is fellowship. This is doing life together. This is encouraging each other in the Lord. This is making much of His name together. Already I have such an affection for my church family.

It does my soul good to recount this journey of faith and ponder my God’s grace toward me. To remember all the prayers He’s answered in such a short time and where He’s brought me!

Luke 12:32

³² “Do not fear, little flock, for it is your Father’s good pleasure to give you the kingdom.

In many ways, I’ve moved out of my season of struggle and into a time of being enfolded into a dear flock of brothers and sisters in Christ.

But in other ways, I struggle on. This is life.

Depression and anxiety come for me periodically, without fail. Almost always they linger in the dark, back corners of my heart and mind. And some weeks, even here amidst a dear church family, I feel near hopeless and my thoughts scream for me to escape myself. For days, I try to get away from the dark cloud, but it lingers and heavily oppresses.

Today I am perhaps coming out of one such week. Glimpsing the light! I spent all afternoon at a park, walking and talking with God. And yesterday evening I was out on the water, kayaking, which seems to be very good for my soul.

The darkness that plagues me is every bit as black even after moving. As I knew it would be. But still, it makes a tremendous impact on me when my pastor pulls me aside Sunday morning after church and listens to my heart and prays over me. And when several others express care and concern and also pray.

See, life is full of troubles. But to have a community of believers to walk alongside you and bear your burdens with you brings deeper hope.

We are His, and Christ is ours forevermore.

So I fight on through depression/anxiety. And I pray for victory. And I know I already have victory. I will not be overcome, because of Christ. I claim the joy that is mine because I am His. The joy of the LORD is my strength.

I do not – can not – give up because of the Holy Spirit within me and the eternal joy and goodness that awaits me. Christ is mine and I am His. And nothing can change that, no matter how numb and “feeling-less” I feel. No matter how the darkness and questioning press. Now matter how the hopelessness and panic squeeze my soul.

I cling to Truth.

And I lift my hands and worship God for Him. And praise Him for putting me here and giving me these people.

This week I’ve been blessed to have trusted friends who listen to me talk and process and agonize and talk some more over this thing I face. They empathize, and pray, and turn my gaze to my precious Jesus. I’ve been blessed to be out on the water – it is soothing and still. I’ve been blessed to go alone to a park and spend hours talking aloud to God – pouring out my heart, reading Scripture, quoting memorized passages, doing devotions, writing,  calling my mom and sister, and practicing disc-golf.

In the midst of depression, I often feel like I’m never going to find my way out. I know that’s not true – I always do come out. But yet it always comes back. I get so sick of it. I become panicky at the thought of fighting one wave after another for the rest of my life.

In the darkness I oftentimes feel like a really bad Christian. A failure. Spiritually immature. I wonder if I’ve been doing something wrong and this is God turning His back. I fear I am too much of a burden for people.

2 Corinthians 12:7-10

⁷ And lest I should be exalted above measure by the abundance of the revelations, a thorn in the flesh was given to me, a messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I be exalted above measure. ⁸ Concerning this thing I pleaded with the Lord three times that it might depart from me. ⁹ And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. ¹⁰ Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

And yet God brings me through again and again and I find my joy again. And I see His work in my life. And I see the purposes He has for me. And I feel His face shine upon me. And my heart is filled with passion and love, and I rest in His embrace. He is my desire.

I still pray for victory over this … healing. But in the meantime, may my Lord’s power be on display in the face of my extreme weakness. May the dark days increase my dependence on Him. May the numb mornings make me long ever more for the day when I will be more alive than I have ever been – when He returns. Then I will be made whole. I will know and be fully known. I will feel perfect love and love perfectly. There will be no more questioning or tears or darkness. I will be truly united with the Lover of my soul.

May you grow in this hope with me.

❤ Lady Grace

Psalm 34:1-5

I will bless the Lord at all times;
His praise shall continually be in my mouth.
² My soul shall make its boast in the Lord;
The humble shall hear of it and be glad.
³ Oh, magnify the Lord with me,
And let us exalt His name together.

⁴ I sought the Lord, and He heard me,
And delivered me from all my fears.
⁵ They looked to Him and were radiant,
And their faces were not ashamed.
⁶ This poor man cried out, and the Lord heard him,
And saved him out of all his troubles.
⁷ The angel of the Lord encamps all around those who fear Him,
And delivers them.

⁸ Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good;
Blessed is the man who trusts in Him!
⁹ Oh, fear the Lord, you His saints!
There is no want to those who fear Him.
¹⁰ The young lions lack and suffer hunger;
But those who seek the Lord shall not lack any good thing. 

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Finding Joy in the Lover of My Soul

Happy Valentine’s Day, darling readers! I thought I’d talk about that today since I missed posting on the actual day.

(picture found on pixabay.com)

So, how are you feeling? I know the day celebrating love can be hard for some people. Maybe you’re going through a rough time in your marriage. Maybe you’re in a season of singleness.

I, myself, have no “special someone” in my life at this time. But I quite enjoyed Valentine’s Day this year. 😀 It was fantastically beautiful.

The days before Valentine’s Day were good ones for me. Sunday, my family and I went to Bible study at our dear friend’s house, as usual. I got some laughing in, which is always fabulous. I don’t have anyone in my age group at this particular Bible study, but I enjoy doing a study and chatting with the moms, and also hanging out with my seventeen-year-old sister and her friends. So that’s lovely. *feels joyful just thinking about it*

Proverbs 17:22

²² A merry heart does good, like medicine,

Monday, a friend’s children were over at my family’s house for the morning/afternoon. I went to a doctor appointment, and then stopped at the library. Back at home, I did some housework, then worked on a blog post for a few hours.

Tuesday, we did wood! My dad split while most of the rest of us stacked. I wore my “work pants” which are splattered in paint and such from hours of remodeling work on the house last summer. They quickly became splattered in mud. Friends, it was a sunny day, but very muddy. My boots kept getting stuck, and I had to wrench them out of almost ankle-deep mud time and time again, haha. My gloves were also soaked in mud. Stacking wood is … interesting. Trying to find just the right place for each piece of wood, fitting it together like a puzzle. About the time that the pile of wood was reaching my height, I started feeling tired and it was taking a bit of effort to heave wood into place, haha. But it was then that I needed to go inside and get ready to drive my sister somewhere.

(found on pixabay.com)

My sister and I spent an hour or so at this friend’s house … me writing and minding my own business while my sister and Mom’s friend talked about photography and editing tips.

Wednesday, February 14^th, I attended a Valentine’s Day party with my mom and siblings. I just went along because … you know. Family and friends! I very much enjoyed visiting with some of the moms there. Good fellowship. They encourage me. ❤

I worked on blog stuff, cleaned, and made a gluten-free chocolate cherry pudding cake! I enjoyed a special supper with my parents and siblings, and wrote down things I love/admire about each person.

I went outside with some of my younger siblings and my seventeen-year-old sister, fifteen-year-old sister, eleven-year-old sister, and I danced and sang in the cool night air. I felt so free and joyful, and belonging to the Lover of my soul! ❤

I am happy loving on family and friends right now. Yes, sometimes I do feel moments of deep longing … for romantic love, for marriage, for a man who’s my best friend. But, I think I’m finally learning to be content where God has me. To embrace the path He’s leading me on. Is my desire for love, for closeness, for romance, for a lifelong relationship gone? By no means! Being a wife and mother is still one of my deepest dreams. I still am intentional about studying marriage from a Biblical perspective, and praying for & writing letters to my future husband.

To be honest, I think that’s helped!

First, cultivating a deeper relationship with Jesus Christ. Being closer to Him—feeling His love and Presence—, experiencing the sweetness of prolonged prayer time has filled up a lot of my lonely heart. The more important my relationship with Him becomes to me, the more fulfilled I am as I open my heart and He draws me nearer.

When I immerse myself in the truth that I am chosen and loved by Him—complete in Him—it heals a part of me that feels I’m not chosen and wanted by an earthly man.

1 Peter 2:9

⁹ But you are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, His own special people, that you may proclaim the praises of Him who called you out of darkness into His marvelous light;

2 Corinthians 6:18

¹⁸ “I will be a Father to you,
And you shall be My sons and daughters,
Says the Lord Almighty.”

Psalm 62:5-8

⁵ My soul, wait silently for God alone,
For my expectation is from Him.
⁶ He only is my rock and my salvation;
He is my defense;
I shall not be moved.
⁷ In God is my salvation and my glory;
The rock of my strength,
And my refuge, is in God.

⁸ Trust in Him at all times, you people;
Pour out your heart before Him;
God is a refuge for us.

I am part of Jesus Christ’s eternal Bride. How amazing and beautiful is that? My dear sisters and brothers who feel “single”, “alone”, and “unwanted” are your identity, dwell on that for a while. You belong. He is by your side. You are chosen.

Ephesians 5:25-27 & 32

²⁵ Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, ²⁶ that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, ²⁷ that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish.

³² This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church.

Psalm 34:4-5

⁴ I sought the Lord, and He heard me,
And delivered me from all my fears.
⁵ They looked to Him and were radiant,
And their faces were not ashamed.

Ephesians 2:10

¹⁰ For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them.

Isaiah 49:16

¹⁶ See, I have inscribed you on the palms of My hands;

Isaiah 62:5

And as the bridegroom rejoices over the bride,
So shall your God rejoice over you.

Beloved.

Beloved.

Beloved.

If you belong to Christ, know that you are His beloved.

(found on pixabay.com)

The next thing that helps me is fellowship and community. Just feeling like I have a place where I very much belong, even as an unmarried, adult woman. Connecting deeply. Sharing. Giving of yourself. Having a purpose. Being mentored. Conversation. Laughter.

Ephesians 5:1-2

Therefore be imitators of God as dear children. ² And walk in love, as Christ also has loved us and given Himself for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God for a sweet-smelling aroma.

Thirdly, as I mentioned above, writing letters to and praying for my future husband is helpful. Perhaps it helps me keep from getting “boy crazy”. It gives me something to focus on and pour my desire for marriage into.

When I came to a place where I did not want to get married unless the man enhanced my relationship with the Lord—unless he is desiring to and actively pursuing Christ, and his deepest prayer for me is that I grow closer to Christ—writing letters and praying started becoming a lot more purposeful and joyful. If I am to marry, he will truly be a man God chose for me. If I am to marry, God sees that man even now, and so I want to pray for him. And I smile at the thought of him reading the letters, knowing I was thinking of him even now. Waiting for him. Truly waiting.

(found on pixabay.com)

So, press into the Lord, even as He’s pursuing you! Find a community to be deeply a part of. And write to your future husband, if you want! Maybe it’ll help you be content waiting for him, rather than getting distracted by every cute boy who happens across your path.

Seriously, being “single” is so much better than having someone when you know he isn’t God’s will for you. You have freedom to passionately run after Jesus Christ and the path He’s set before you, instead of struggling more than necessary because you’re walking a path He hasn’t give you peace about.

John 15:15

¹⁵ No longer do I call you servants, for a servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all things that I heard from My Father I have made known to you.

(found on pixabay.com)

I finished off Valentine’s Day by having heart talks with my sister. Then I sat in the living room—the whole house quiet as my family slept—and wrote a letter to help me work through emotions and feelings from years ago. The letter will probably never be mailed. But writing it brought peace to my heart. And then I went off to bed and slept restfully.

February 15^th, I wrote a letter to my future husband. And then I wrote to my beloved Lord. ❤ It ended up being a rough day, in some ways, but God carried me through. Praise Him!

Psalm 71:1-3 , 5-6 , & 22-24

In You, O Lord, I put my trust;
Let me never be put to shame.
² Deliver me in Your righteousness, and cause me to escape;
Incline Your ear to me, and save me.
³ Be my strong refuge,
To which I may resort continually;
You have given the commandment to save me,
For You are my rock and my fortress.

⁵ For You are my hope, O Lord GOD;
You are my trust from my youth.
⁶ By You I have been upheld from birth;
You are He who took me out of my mother’s womb.
My praise shall be continually of You.

²² Also with the lute I will praise You—
And Your faithfulness, O my God!
To You I will sing with the harp,
O Holy One of Israel.
²³ My lips shall greatly rejoice when I sing to You,
And my soul, which You have redeemed.
²⁴ My tongue also shall talk of Your righteousness all the day long;
For they are confounded,
For they are brought to shame
Who seek my hurt.

Oh, and I started a Bible study! Pray for me, that God will work in and through me! And pray for the wonderful young people who are part of the study. I’m excited to seek the Lord together with them! 🙂

Lady Grace ❤

1 Corinthians 13:12-13

¹² For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I shall know just as I also am known.

¹³ And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

Boys … Can We Just Be Friends?

It seems like a question that often comes up . . . “Can guys and girls be just friends?”

As girls, we want to be friends with guys, because they’re fun to be around. They’re interesting. They make us laugh. They have a unique and different perspective. Oftentimes, it’s a lot simpler to be around them than a group of young women; they’re more easy-going and quick to see humor. We value them and time spent together.

So the question is, can young men and women be just good, old friends . . . or does the relationship between guys and girls always include flirting, secret interest, and broken hearts?

Well, I believe that young woman can, and should, have guy friends. In fact, I think it’s vital. It’s healthy and wonderful to have brothers in Christ. Godly men can help us become better women. And we, as godly women, can help them become better men. We can encourage and support each other.

I think God put us here for each other. We were created for meaningful companionship. Fellowship with other brothers and sisters in Christ is a beautiful and powerful thing! And I don’t think God meant for women to solely hang out with women, and men with men. -Only associating with someone of the opposite gender if you’re in a romantic relationship.

No, we can learn from each other! And if it’s not God’s time for us to be part of a romance, we should still be able to have friendships, encouragement, and even guidance from men in our lives.

Proverbs 27:17

¹⁷ As iron sharpens iron,
So a man sharpens the countenance of his friend.

See, I believe men can share some unique insight with us that perhaps women in our lives can’t. Now, fathers and brothers can also do this. But maybe you don’t have brothers. Perhaps your relationship with your father is unhealthy. That’s when I think it’s extremely important for your brothers in Christ to step in – in a godly, mature, and selfless way.

My older brother and some of his friends have really helped me in things like accepting who I am. Feeling like lady. Wanting to be more gentle, and nurturing, and Christ-like.

With men as friends, I believe we can see more clearly that there are good, Christian guys in the world who care about us and simply like us just the way we are. They can be examples of what we should wait for in a future husband.

And hopefully, we can do the same for them. Encourage them to seek the Lord. Make them want to be better men. Be examples of what they should be waiting for in a future wife.

I truly think having godly, kind young men in my life has helped me just to be content and secure, and not thinking I have to be a certain image and have a boyfriend to be acceptable in the eyes of men.

Now ultimately, God is the only one who can bring us to full contentment, and show us that our security and identity is found in Him. But I think He does intend for us to help each other out. To be friends. To be examples. To be support.

This all being said, it’s vastly important to search your heart and choose your friends wisely.

1 Corinthians 15:33

³³ Do not be deceived: “Evil company corrupts good habits.”

Hang out with godly men. *smiles* Not those who are going to lead you astray or tempt you to fit a certain image, like I mentioned before.

Proverbs 12:26

²⁶ The righteous should choose his friends carefully,
For the way of the wicked leads them astray.

And I think it’s best to keep these friendship limited to mostly group settings. One-on-one, personal, “best friends” relationships with guys often lead to heartache. Either your heartache, or theirs. It’s way too easy to become emotionally attached when you’re pouring out your life story and struggles to one certain guy; and feelings tend to develop on one side or the other.

So be careful.

And behave in a modest manner. One befitting a lady of God. ^_^ Having fun and joking around is certainly entertaining. (And most of the time, perfectly appropriate!) But I think it’s always good to check myself and make sure it’s not becoming flirtatious . . . either outwardly, or in my heart.

Try to think things like: If his future wife was standing beside us, how would she feel?

Or: If a girl was acting this way toward my husband, how would I feel?

Just to be sure you’re acting appropriately. Believe me, it’s better for everyone in the long run! Emotional attachments, heartbreak, and the like are not fun.

But having guy friends is. So have friends! In a God-honoring way,  they certainly are encouraging and great relationships!

1 Timothy 5:1-2

Do not rebuke an older man, but exhort him as a father, younger men as brothers, ² older women as mothers, younger women as sisters, with all purity.