Connect. Breathe. Shine.

Hello, my dear friends. I know it has been forever since I last posted, and perhaps I’ve lost all my followers … but I want to try and keep up with blogging here.

Currently I’m trying to figure out life. Dealing with some health issues, struggling to get back into writing, looking for a church to get involved with/a group of Christian people my own age to “do life” with …

Trying to help out more at home – keeping house and helping with homeschooling the kids. I do some odd jobs outside the home so I can keep up with car insurance payments and doctor bills, but don’t have an official job. I’m looking into volunteering in my town … I long for a purpose and a mission. For people to pour into. To mentor. To love on with God’s deep and overflowing love.

But sometimes I don’t feel qualified, equipped, wise, steady enough to minister to other people. Sometimes I feel so fragile and weak and anxious and unsure.

So. I think it is time for me to get well.

To deal with health issues – physical, emotional, mental, spiritual. And if I can’t keep up with the world and its expectations while I’m on my journey to healing, that’s okay. After all, I was never made to please man.

I think this is the season for me to just simply sit at Jesus’ feet as much as I can. Go on long walks and pour out my heart to Him (I haven’t been going on my prayer walks as much – especially now that it’s gotten colder – and, oh, how I miss those sweet, reassuring times), linger in His Word, read Christian Living books, do devotionals, listen to sermons and Christian inspirational videos …

I believe this is the season where I make more of an effort to find a church family to be a part of. I go to church every Sunday, but I haven’t found that fellowship yet. I keep thinking: Surely this isn’t how God meant it to be for me… Isolated. Alone. No close friends (who are living nearby, in any case). No mentors. Struggling to walk this sometimes very difficult journey through life.

I love my family so much, and they can be a great source of comfort and help to me.

But I was meant to live in community.

Not just me and my house and my family, every day, all day.

I keep thinking: I was meant to connect with people, right? To have deep relationships. To mentor and be mentored. To encourage and be encouraged. To love and be loved. To have people I can be real and honest with. People I can laugh with. Do Bible studies with.

And I keep coming across books and sermons and people (such as my doctor) who say to me: You were created for community. You were not meant to do life alone. It’s important that you connect deeply with people, and connect with people your own age who are in the same season of life as you.

So I want to find friends. Other singles … and married couples, families, grandparents, children … who love and are seeking to follow Christ with all their heart.

And while I’m healing and finding community, I would like to be sharing my heart with anyone who happens to read this blog. Hopefully be ministering to you in some way – even with how broken and imperfect I am. And maybe volunteering at a soup kitchen or something. Giving to those who don’t have the material blessings I have – shelter, food, etc.

Even as I’m trying to embrace this season of healing and possibly new beginnings, I’m seeing God at work. If I stop. Still my anxious heart. And those constant pressuring thoughts. And those dark whispers from the Deceiver … I can see that God has His hand over me. Is answering my prayers, subtly, perhaps, but surely. Is clearing out a path for me to walk on.

I worried and wondered and stressed about finding a job. I worried and wondered and stressed about finding church fellowship and friends. I worried and wondered and stressed about so many things. Then I stopped. And started to pray. Deep breath …

Lord, You are in control. You see me. You see my life. You see my fears. You see my needs. You see the needs of my friends and my family. You see when the sparrow falls and You clothe the lilies of the field. You say I should not worry about these things – You will provide. I want to let go of my anxiety, and need to be in control, and the overwhelming, terrifying pressure I feel to please people. I want to please You. I leave this all in Your hands, trusting that You will work out my life the way You see fit. You can get me a job. You will provide what I need if I start volunteering. You can bring me into a community. Why am I worried? The God of the Universe is in control of my life and is able to meet my needs and is faithful to hold my heart. I will pray about this. I will do what I can in response to Your promptings. And You will open up the way before me. Guide me.

And guess what? He has opened doors. Sometimes in little ways, that I might forget in a tidal wave of new and old anxieties until I write a blog post like this.

Friends messaged me. Acquaintances from my family’s homeschool group invited me to a church with a singles/college-age group. Pieces fell into place.

I now have a small weekly job that’s providing for some of the monetary needs I was worrying about. I attended the church I was invited to for the first time today and meet a bunch of lovely people who were very kind to me (and I plan on going back!)

I prayed. And more than once, it was a couple hours or a couple days later that someone messaged or texted or said something to me … And I was like, “Um … wow. Is this You, Lord?” I left it in His hands, and things started to happen.

Besides all that, God has been answering my prayers in other ways over the past few months. I found a great doctor. I’m getting to know the ladies in the Bible study group my mom and I go to better. Even as He’s caring for me, I’m being brought back to a place of brokenness and neediness where I know: It’s time to surrender, girl. Just put it all in His hands. Let my first and foremost desire be for Jesus. Let my heart hunger for His Word. Let my soul long to talk with Him. Let my body and heart and soul and mind – all that I am – be Yours so that I can love and serve You with abandon. Love and serve others with abandon.

So that I can feel joy. Love. Security. Freedom. Peace. Purpose. Identity. Hope.

I’m not there yet. But I’m on the journey. And my God is faithful.

Lady Grace ❤